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I fucked around and ended up as the key note speaker for the 2022 Boise State Honors College Commencement. Based on the emails asking more students to submit speeches to the competition, I don’t think the competition was stiff. Regardless, I was honored to be chosen and had deliberated over my submission.
As far as I know, there is no video of this speech. I wish there was. Not because it went that well, but because I didn’t tell my parents about the ceremony... or that I was giving the commencement address. Other than the time I loudly closed the fridge at 4:33 am, my dad had never been angrier with me than the moment he figured out I gave a commencement speech without telling him or my mom. One of his friends ratted on me. Some old business associate thought my speech was so good he would call my dad and tell him how funny his son was. I appreciate the intent, but that man doomed me.
Anyways, enjoy reading the unedited transcript I read at the event. There’s a risque joke that 25% of the audience got. See if you pick it up. Hint: The joke is not that hard to understand, but the Honors Graduation crowd probably wasn’t expecting a ribald comment.
P.S.
This speech is a loose satire of a graduation speech by Tim Minchin everyone in the honors college watches as a freshman. Here’s the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yoEezZD71sc&t=593s